


Spilling Your Guts

by m0rkl



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Angst, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-30
Updated: 2016-07-30
Packaged: 2018-07-27 16:16:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,287
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7625329
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/m0rkl/pseuds/m0rkl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Allen doesn't want to disappear. He needs someone to know about the parts of him that no other living person does. He can't let that part of him die with him.</p>
<p>The only person he can tell is Kanda. It's only fair right?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Spilling Your Guts

            Allen sighed internally. He never thought he would be doing something like this. Eyeing Kanda, who was leaned against the opposite wall, Allen scrunched his nose in frustration. How did he even start this? Maybe he shouldn’t. This was a bad idea.... but if he didn’t do it now, who’s to say that Neah wouldn’t succeed in taking over and that he would never get this chance again?

            Why did he want to do this again? Oh, that’s right. He was afraid of being forgotten. Everyone who knew him, who really knew him past his smiling mask and polite disposition were dead. Cross. Mana. They were really the only ones who had seen Allen for who he really was. Perhaps people at the Order had seen glimpses of it, little slips here and there when something or someone really pissed him off. But the Allen Walker they knew hid behind a mask Allen Walker was a painted version of himself that hid the blackened remains of a tragic life.

            And that’s why he needs to do this. He doesn’t expect Kanda to sudden give him a hug and tell him how strong he’s been. God, no. That’s why it has to be Kanda. Because Johnny is too emotional and he doesn’t need the burden of this knowledge. Because Kanda was one of the few people who were ever able to make him slip up and reveal pieces of his true self. Because Kanda would take this objectively, like a Bookman might, but he wouldn’t record him like they would.

            Because everything between them has been a fight of evenly match skills, contrasting ideas and surprisingly similar experiences. Right now, Allen has an unfair advantage over Kanda because of what he knows. The Noah showed him Kanda’s past, a dark story that until then, only Kanda knew the entirety of. He didn’t give that information to Allen willingly, but now the younger man had the unfair advantage of knowing things that could make Kanda completely vulnerable.

            So, it was only fair that Allen did this.

            The silence in the room was heavy and thick, making Allen feel a bit tired. Kanda was staring out the window, but focusing on nothing. He seemed to be a world away, until Allen broke the stillness in the air.

            “My first memory was of being sold to the ringmaster.” He said without context.

            “What the fuck are—“

            “Kanda. I need you to listen to me.” His dark silver eye’s met Kanda’s midnight blue ones, filling the room with tense uneasy air. “Please, just this once I need to you listen to me.”

            The man furrowed his brow for a moment, his gaze boring into the white haired younger man. Quickly, he realized where this was going. It was only fair that he listened. Kanda owed him that much. Sitting up, Kanda folded his arms and nodded at Allen. For a moment, Allen scrutinized him making sure Kanda wasn’t going to interrupt him again, then continued with his story.

            “I can’t remember much of it. They must have had us drugged or something. But they packed us in there like piles of rags.” He pushed a hand through his hair. It needed to be cut. “They sold me to the ringmaster, probably saying I’d be great for a freak show.”

            Allen vaguely recalled being forced to stand on weak shaking legs while the men talked about him like an object. Like he wasn’t even human.

            “But, I turned out to be a bit too mouthy to make a good sideshow attraction.” He gave a humorless, empty attempt at a laugh. “Besides, people didn’t really want to pay money to see the supposed cursed demon spawn who was really just a dirty little kid with an ugly paralyzed arm. So he put me to work at odd jobs. For me, it was better than being on the street. I cleaned, I fixed things, I ran errands, and I let people beat and rape me because I assumed it was just part of my existence. I existed to be used and pushed around by people. But they fed me sometimes so it was good enough.”

            Kanda was glaring at the wall like it had just insulted him. He was uncomfortable, that much was clear, but Allen knew he was going to stay and hear him out.

            “It’s all I had ever known... but its not like I happy about it. I hated everything about my life and I was determined to make it out of there without the help of anyone else. I didn’t need friends. I didn’t need anyone. I thought that if I just let my anger drive me forward, I could survive long enough to get my way. I was always pissed off at everyone. Kind of like you.” He added, causing Kanda to huff.

            He dropped his hands into his lap, picking at the seams of his pants. Now he was getting to the hard part. No one else knew this story, not even Cross knew it all. But that’s why Kanda had to hear this. There had to be someone in this world who knew or else it would be like that part of him had never existed at all.

            “About when I was about seven, there was a new clown who came to the circus. Performers came and went. It was normal. He got popular really quickly. It probably helped that he did tricks with his dog. People liked that.” Pausing to wipe a hand over his face, Allen stared out the window. “Well, the audience liked it. Cosimo, the other main clown of the circus hated him. He tried to make me kill the dog, but I refused so he just beat me and then later beat the dog to death himself.” Out of the corner of his eye, he could seen Kanda’s knuckles turn white as he clench his fist. Ah, that’s right. Kanda was a dog person wasn’t he?

            “Well, the owner of the dog, that was Mana, my adoptive father. The first time I really spoke to him was when he was burying the dog. I asked him if he was going to get revenge but apparently he didn’t want it. I didn’t understand why and I said ‘Aren’t you sad?’ He told me he was so sad he could die and yet no matter how sad he was, he couldn’t cry. Like his tears had all dried up.”

            Allen stopped for a second upon realizing that he was shaking. He never talked about Mana, especially not to this extent. But he had seen Kanda’s dark memories, so this was only fair. His throat felt swollen and it hurt to swallow. Kanda was pretending to be passive, but Allen could see the hint of anger in his body language.

            “When I cried for the dog, he said to me ‘Oh, so you were Allen’s friend too’.” At that, Kanda looked at him, slightly confused but trying to hide it. The younger man almost laughed. “Yeah, I wasn’t called Allen then. For a long time, I didn’t have a name.” He explained. “People called me whatever was convenient, usually ‘brat’ or ‘hey you’. But some people took to calling me Red. My hair used to be red, you know. I can’t really remember what it looked like, but it was red.” Unconsciously, Allen gripped his left arm. Kanda saw the action and knew his hair wasn’t the only reason.

            “Anyways, Mana was...” He struggled to find the right words. “He wasn’t all there. He had memory problems and he acted like a child sometimes. And he would get confused often. He started thinking that I was Allen, his dog. And I just went along with it because I didn’t want him to leave me... God, knowing now that Mana knew the fourteenth... I should have seen this all sooner. You know, I left the circus to travel with Mana because the Millennium Earl came. I didn’t know what was going on at the time, but there were akuma and they killed everyone. And Mana... he told me not to cry because...” Allen’s breath caught in his throat as he realized all of this. Why hadn’t he put the pieces together before? His chest felt tight and his head swam. “He said that tragedy brings the Earl so I musn’t be sad. He knew the Earl was after him for some reason. Holy shit, I should’ve seen this. He even told me that he was looking for his brother. Why didn’t I see this? I’m such an idiot—“

            “Moyashi!” Kanda snapped, staring directly into the other’s wide silver eyes. The room fell silent save for Allen’s panicked breathing. He waited for him to catch his breath a little before speaking again. “I don’t give two shits about what you should have or could have known. I already knew you were an idiot; you don’t need to tell me that. Get on with your point.”

            “Right.” His voice was high and pinched. “So, I let Mana continue to call me Allen and it eventually started to feel like it really was my name. But then Mana died. He got hit by a carriage because he pushed me out of the way. I remember wishing he had just let me get hit instead of him. I was a worthless street rat who should have died a long time ago anyways. Mana was the first person to make me feel like my existence had a meaning, but after he died, I was back to being a nameless waste of space.” Now he was beginning to feel numb. His earlier panic was subsiding, but an empty, hollow feeling in his core was rapidly taking its place. This was almost worse.

            “When the Earl came offering to bring Mana back, I took the chance. All I wanted was for Mana to be alive. I didn’t even care if it was at the cost of my own life. I would have gladly died in his place. But then everything went to shit and Mana cursed me.” He tapped the pentacle over his eye. “That’s when my hair turned white and when my innocence activated for the first time.... I killed him with it. I didn’t mean to, but my arm acted on its own, dragging me along. I watched my father die again, this time by my own hand.” Allen stopped to breath for a moment. More people knew that story. Lenalee was there when the Earl confronted them, telling everyone that he was the boy who turned his father into an akuma yet survived. He missed Lenalee.

            “After that, Cross found me. I was apparently half dead and so traumatized that I was catatonic for nearly a month. When I finally did snap out of it, I wasn’t me anymore... I had fabricated an entirely new personality and became Allen Walker. The real me had run away to the recesses of my mind and the person left behind with this mimicry of Mana. It became the mask I would wear for so long that I would forget it wasn’t who I actual was. ” And that was it. That was everything he needed Kanda to know. “I had to tell you this bec—“

            “Oh shut the fuck up, would you?” He sneered, standing up so that he towered over Allen, who was sitting on the edge of the bed. Allen was pissed. He spilled his guts to Kanda and now the man was just going to tell him to shut up? “You don’t need to explain yourself. I’m not one of those emotional children like Lenalee or Johnny.”

            “I’m sorry, but aren’t you like ten years old?” The white haired boy got to his feet as well, snarling at Kanda.

            “At least I don’t look like a fucking ten year old, unlike some people.” They were now only a step apart, glaring daggers at each other. The normality of it made Allen long for how things used to be, when they could all live at the Order like some patchwork family. Kanda seemed to know just how to pull Allen out of his moping. Suddenly his anger deflated and his posture slumped.

            “We’re even now, alright?” Allen said in a quiet voice. He couldn’t bring himself to look Kanda in the eye right now. Not when he had just exposed so much.

            “Tch, not yet.” Allen tensed, unsure of what Kanda meant. The older man growled and walked towards the window. “It’s my fault, you know. I could have prevented so much from happening, but because I hated the Order so much, I let things be. It was me who caused the 14th to awaken, but you still sacrificed everything for him and I.” Saying his name still hurt.

            Allen was stunned into silence. He didn’t know what to feel and the jumbled up emotions that assaulted him were too much to handle.

            “I won’t die. I can’t die. Not until I’ve settled my regrets.” The sky was bright and cloudless, contrasting everything that had just happened. Before noon they would have to pack up and leave the room they had rented out. All three of them were on the run now. Slowly, Allen looked up at Kanda, the outside light reflecting in his dark hair.

            “Kanda.” The man turned to look at Allen. Swallowing hard, the white haired man spoke slowly. “Are you going to keep your promise?” Unspoken words hung in the air. _Will you still  kill me if its needed?_

            “Stupid fucking beansprout.” It wasn’t really an answer, but Kanda wasn’t really sure if he could give one anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this and rewrote it like four times... I just needed to post it a get it over with lol
> 
> I hope Allen didn't come off too ooc


End file.
